feeling vry gone and wasted...is thee anything i can do to help it?or rather...help myself?no idea...running away seems to be the best way but the problem will always be there...

fuck...i'm feeling totally shitty again...so many fucking things in my fucking mind once again...and it's all my own bloody fault...the things that i do...the thoughts i'm having...i'm yet again...torn between so many things...to stop or to continue...want to stop but still am continuing...shit...

to move on or to stay put...stuck again between both...i'd rather not choose either at this moment...cause i'll just screw things up once again...fuck man...am already screwing things up...my life is like screwed...

before i even take e step...i've already corroded away what little stepping stone i have to stand on...leaving soft sand with no foundation...stepping on it would means letting myself sink into the quick sand...

not stepping forward...i've let myself to a dead end...one with too many exits leading back to it...like a loop...there's no end to it...and i'll be the one to burn to ashes in the end...sorry to say...staying put or moving on...i'll still burn to the ground...

i need a third option...and that is: leaving behind the past and the forward route...and start digging out a new route...hopefully one where it may lead me to the sunlight...where i can just soak up the sun's ray and marvel at the route which i created myself...though the chance is pretty much slim...

3:45am in the morning...got home not too long ago...tired but my mind's driving at full speed...testing the limit...body is almost totally out...with muscle aching all over...and e draining of energy form within is sucking me dry...

i'm mentally stuck...physically stuck and emotionally stuck...i'm such a let down the people who care...even to myself...i've disappointed people whom meant alot to me...i should do something abt it...before i lose all the little things i hold precious in my eyes...part of which are already slowly slipping away from my sight...i need to get my life back where i started...

i want everything back in its place...just like before...when things are ok and i still have my smile with me...sigh...now i've lost the true meaning of being happy...its like i'm being happy just for the sake of being happy...not like before when i truly felt happiness...

i wish i've never had to make that decision...that one decision which changed my life 180 degree around...maybe if time can turn back i'll stop myself from making that decision...maybe...

but what has to be will be...what is meant to be yours will be...time...it's such a long definition...a word so simple yet so complicated...only time will tell...sigh...