one day you're here...the next you're gone...thats how short one's life is...

just received news that one cousin of mine had passed on...due to several illnesses he had which was kept unknown to us...water retention in the lungs,tuberculosis and heart attack...cause of death was heart attack...so i heard from my mom...

the last time i saw him was the previous chinese new year at my aunt's place...slightly more than a year and he's already passed on...how unpredictable life is...only till now then i know the reason why we didn't see him this new year...

due to his illness, he didn't wanted the big family to see him in that state...all skin and bone...and ill...sigh...friday would be the funeral i think...and i would like to go...to pay my last respect to him at least...somehow there's this sense of respect for him in me...a respect i don't normally give to people...

a respect that only people who truly deserves it deserves it and i know he deserves it...i can't say much more for i really don't know what to say about this but...yea...i really want to pay my cousin the last respect before the funeral...

and so...my last days of freedom starting today...is officially 7weeks before i'm kick into NS...oh well...that's e way it has to be...i guess this remaining freedom have to be spent carefully..to spend time with my family and people i hold precious in my heart...

and i guess you readers should know who...if there is even any reading my blog...though i doubt i'll have much time left to spend with that special someone...especially with her schooling which have already started...i guess i'm only left with 7 weeks to watch over her...sigh...whats meant to be will be...whats not meant to be wont be...thats all i can say...so i'll just leave at that...

past few days had been tiring...didnt sleep on thursday night at all...was playing maple story from 2am till 6am before i knocked out at 7am on friday morning...slept till 9:30am to wake up for work...

after work dropped by cole's place with brownies and oreo cheese cake...slacked with her family infront of the tv till almost 7pm...almost fell asleep too so decided to leave...went back to the cafe for some sleep while waiting....went supper at china town for frog porridge lol...after that colleague dropped me off at home...abt 2am...zzz...

saturday morning also had to wake up early for work...then had cell...dinner at church coffee shop then sent cole home before dropping by cafe again..helped with closing then mahjonged till almost 2am again...slept like a dead pig till almost 11am...had to rush to meet cole but after alot of tuing here and there by her...ended up meeting her at about 2pm...

went town for a walk then sent her home before i knocked out at home myself...slept from about 7pm till like almost 11...so now i'm awake...gona go sleep soon cause i have to wake up early to sent cole to school...for her first day in second year...yea...gona log out soon...chao...

sian...bloody computer doing update auto restart when i'm using my acash to search for items in maple...pui...wasted my money...didnt even got to see what room and channel e item i wan is in then restart..kao...urgh...fuck the stupid computer...some more not just 1 update but hell lot of them...bloody hp com...kns...
super tulan now...bloody hp online registration also cock up...wtf man...pui...i not gona do anything now...doing things now will only make me more tulan with hp computer...knn...URGH!!!

and the bloody weather is also getting on my nerves...like wat the heck...the past few days raining like mad then today never rain but so fucking humid man...so humid that my feet and palms are perspiring like mad even tho my fan is on full blast...shhh...what a bloody night for me....almost everything that can go wrong went wrong...even typing on the keyboard...think i'll just go lie down and sleep but i cant fucking sleep...

my body alarm has already changed so much due to all my late nights out...feeling tired but my mind is still
awake...zzz...kns...sorry people who does read my blog but its just how i'm feeling right now...zzz....kns...i think i should go get some drink to calm down then go to bed...yea...thats what i'm gona do i guess...

its 2am in the morning...not as awake as last night but still somewhat awake nevertheless...seems like e habit of late night sleeping is being embedded into my body system...hopefully i can wake up in time to go collect my report then head over to cole's place...seems to me that she doesnt want to over anymore...like everytime i meet her its at bishan mrt...everytime she just doesnt want to be at her place...dono why but yea...

seems like i'm no longer welcomed at her place or something i dono...but its her home so its up to her to open it to me...my place will always be open for her to pop by to slack anytime tho...anyway...still feeling horrible inside in some ways...like things are getting more complicated by the moment...and i'm getting more trapped though there's this saying in chinese...拿得起，放得下。
meaning to be able to pick up and to let go...i'm trying my best here but its hard..

especially when cole's kinda my first relationship...zzz...sigh...never really thought that things would have turned out this way...but it did...and i definitely wasnt ready for the big tight slap right in my face...which really came...literally...sigh...oh well...life still goes on whether i like it or not...

hopping for the best now...that things will settle down soon and we can go back to being friends...if that is the word to be used...cause i really have no idea where i stand in her heart now...anyway...enough of the negative thoughts...better get some sleep soon less i look horrible when i wake up...like the past few days...my panda eyes are really obvious now...bleah...

ciao...

omg...i cant get to sleep...and its 4:20am in the morning...second time in a roll...couldn't sleep on thursday night either...then on friday night total knock out...slept early and woke up freaking late...shit man...if this goes on my schedule will all be screwed man...shhh...

anyway just to home not too long ago from cafe...they had another mah jong session till almost 4...bleah...didnt play at all..cause i only wanted to go down to slack...who noes they've already had plans for mah jong...so i lvled up my maple character and helped cole lvl up to 30 for her job change...hopefully she'll be happy with it..

not sure what i'm gona do but probably just serve e net till my eyes are tired...then go to sleep...hopefully i'll be able to wake up in time to send cole to her attachment if she wants or for work..lol...i just need to get up and make sure i'm not late for anything..lol...gona go do my stuff now...

i have come to a conclusion...and that is everytime when i want to let go and move on...you will always somehow on the dot call or msg me right on time to let me know your status....and i will always fall right back into the "trap"...i know that you don't mean any harm or anything...but...it seem that way...

today was a good example...just when i was gona blog about wanting to move on and stop these on-off kinda relationship with you...you called...telling me of your day at attachment and what you're gona do during attachment the next few days...somehow i'll feel the need to care for you again...

then when i do care and show my concern...you will somehow brush it off and take me for granted again in someways which i kinda mind and don't mind at the same time...after which i'll feel the need to be there for you everytime...and again when i do...things get bad again...and i feel like doing stupid things again...like what i did today...calling you off in my sms...

i feel that somehow you are the one who doesn't want to let go of me...or rather set me free...like i'm a little bird trapped in your cage...trying to break free...then when i managed to open the cage door slightly...you'll step in to ensure that the door doesn't open for me...it's kinda becoming a routine for the past 1 month...

i'm kinda at a loss for words now...like i don't really know where i stand...though we're like closer than friends but not couple...i feel so trapped...i know you're feeling trapped too...but you just don't show it...to set you free would be to set myself free too...so i just need the right answer from you and i'll know what to do...hopefully..

unless...you don't want any changes...then i can't do anything...cause changes will always affect both of us...in one way or another...i'm trying to maintain but it's hard...with all the load getting heavier as time ticks by...hopefully you can balance things out so that things will settle down...

don wana make things worse so i'll end it here...if you do read this i hope you wouldn't get upset with this post...cause its just how i'm feeling right now at this point when i type it out...well...got to go...it's 1:50am and i haven't have enough sleep for the past few days...