i'm still awaiting your reply...at least one just to say you're ok?yet there's none...and it's not the first time.almost every message that i sent you,there seem not to be a reply...maybe except those where it's more of general messages...so i'm thinking now...maybe you don't really want to be as close to me like i want to be close to you...sigh...feel like an idiot now...like everything i did was some kind of a joke...a joke that you don't even laugh at...

now,the one thing that i want is just a message reply from you.that's the only thing i wish for right now...just a simple "i'm ok" will do...even though i know that won't happen,that message will never come...but still i will wait...it's just me...

you seemed so sian today...and you didn't even talked to me...it feels like you are ignoring me...though you spoke to the rest,you never really spoke to me.so i'm still hanging around like some homeless spirit drifting around...

spent some time thinking about yesterday,about how come you always laugh when they mention xiao ming..or even the way you talk to the rest and how you will react compared to when talking to me...as the details fills in...the puzzle seem to be reviewing a picture that doesn't include me in it...i don't know...your thoughts,your actions,your words ...they all seem to imply something else now...and it's really affecting me...

really don't know how to deal with it any longer...i'm really mentally drained by this...can't seem to think anymore...really really tired...not to mention the stresses the rest are adding in...like pouring oil into a burning furnace...and increasing the amount of heat and fire...i want out of this...but i cant bare to let go...

i'm still confused by you...your actions and words...yesterday you came in and when i said hello,you came up to me saying you're sick...so i was thinking like,are you ok? then you went to the rest and announced that you are sick...so i didn't know how to react about it,did you tell me that you are sick just to make me concern or was it just a passing comment to everyone?i really don't know.

then today when you came over,you just smiled but didn't reply when i greeted you..was it because of that good night message i sent you last night?or was it because of some other reason?and when you said that you wanted to go home,i was kind of down...but you stayed,and helped us out,which kind of made me happy to just see you being around.but then again,when he played with your hair,you didn't even made a sound but jst quietly comb them back...but your reactions were so different from when i patted your head...sigh...

i like you...but do you like me?or will you even give me a chance?that's what i've been wanting to know for some time already...but everytime when i send you a message,there doesn't seem to be a reply...so i really don't know what to do already...just wait till the answer comes or forget it...can i at least get some form of answer from you?that's what i really want now...

anyway,side track----was late for school today...why?becase i miss 3 freaking buses...man...what's wrong today?left home at 12pm then took the lift down..reached the bus stop to see an empty one,meaning the bus just left...so i waited for the next one to come then board it to the interchange,and again,i missed 852...and there was no waiting bus in the parking lanes...so ok...wait again till 12:30pm before the bus eventually arrived.

then the freaking driver was like tail gating another bus such that everytime the other bus stops at a bus stop,the 852 also had to stop thought most of the time no one board it...so i was kind of pissed off by the reckless bus driver...dropped off at the normal stop and was the only one at the bus stop and there goes 154,which just zoomed past right after i got off 852...slap my head man...finally reach school at abput 1:20pm...and the lecturer made me apologize to the class...wtf...did it and lesson continues...

SCREW THE FREAKING LESSON!

ok back on track.i just hope that tomorrow wll be a better day for me and for you :) so good night and rest well.

pizza today!!!haha.boss called me to go down for pizza just now,had meat lover and atlantis pizza!wahahaha...yumyum,totall cost $35 plit among 5 of us so its 7 bucks each.school today however,was normal,like usual...tutorials,practical labs,lectures where half the people left right after signing their attendance...ya,then tomorrow will be practical the whole day...from 9am till 11am,then lunch break before another lab from 12pm till 3pm.then its time to go for work.

anyway,i'm still wondering...everytime when i sits alone on the wooden bench or when i'm facing you,you always seems to be fidgeting...and looking bored like you're looking for someone to talk to...so my question is: are you seeking my attention or is it just me?and everytime before you leave,you also always seems to make it a point to let me know that you're leaving,especially when i'm down at the cafe during my off days,unless i'm busy at work.so my second question is: are you hinting that you want me to leave with you or acompany you out or,again,is it just me?
finally,my third and final question for now will be: are all that i analyzed just me?or is there some deeper meaning to it?

anyway,to my lil sis,i'm so sorry to worry you...was just too tired from work and the lack of sleep yesterday that i wasn't thinking properly...was so shagged out that i wanted some boost from that thing....so sorry about it..though i'm afraid that i might not be able to hang on for long...i'll try my best so let's hope that for the time being,everything will be ok.

haiz...i'm feeling so tired...and my eye bags are turning darker by the day...and i'm yawning like every 15 minute if possible...work was like F today..totally turned off by that F'ker seriously...always irritating me till i'm fuming inside...which cause me to be so sian...

so sian that i didn't even want to talk to you...and seeing you looking so bored makes me want to approach you but sigh...i was just so tired and sian that i left you alone...though i'm still not sure how you feel about me.i felt that you wanted someone to talk to you at least..but i don't know if i'm that person you wanted to talk to?you seem so sian when i look at you.

i'm really tired...can't carry on anymore...i'm afraid i have to break my promise to my lil sis...it's jsut a matter of time before it happens...

you know,it's kina hard to predict when,how,where,why or what will happen,but when it happens,you just know that it's surpose to?like school for example,was later for the afternoon practical and when i went into the class,at 1:10pm,lesson already started and our lecturer was explaining the components on our wiring board which i totally have no clue what was going on...

the worse part was my lab partner herself didn't even know what was going on...oh my goodness...so i had to listen and try to make sense of the components we're surpose to wire up...and boy did i have some hard time figuring out what is what and which is which...anyway,the practical happens to be quite easy and i managed to get hold of the full picture and apply it to the circuit board,surprisingly.

and my lab partner was still like blur blur so had to explain how the circuit works...haha.then went to work after the lab and wow,bumped into another "sotong" who didn't even know that it's the eve of public holiday and the cafe opens till 12 midnight.yup,chris,i'm talking about you!haha...work was kina sian today,had a table of freaking indians who kept speaking in tamil while i was taking their orders...wth man,totally hated them...FREAKS!

again,went opposite after closing for a cup of teh peng then took cabbie home.and you didn't have enough money to reach home!!!urgg!!!so had to lend chris $20 first then tomorrow collect back from him...bathed after i reached home and surf the net till now it's 2:29am..and i'm working morning shift later...so what time is it?no longer tiger time but sleeping time!zzz...shacked..

whoo...went to work in the morning,which wasn't a very busy saturday public holiday afternoon to my surprise...then went for cell before going back to the cafe for dinner with my mom and sis.had a great dinner of course.

then what do you know...flooding into the cafe were tonnes of people,so i had to be recalled back to the service.haha,choing with the rest(there were 6 of us tonight) till 12am where the cafe closes before they had their dinner.played big 2 while waiting for them then we took a cab back home.

so today was quite tiring for me.and tomorrow i have to miss church on my mom's order to go to the doc in the morning,had some rashes on my legs for about a month and now they are apreading to my arms...so no choice but to go to the doc tomorrow morning.yup...hopefully it's just rashes or maybe some bites,and not some nasty illnesses like ring worm or stuff...which will be totally spoil for me...cause it will eman i have to take extra care of the infection and to prevent it from spreading even further...

crap...typed half way and the bloody blogspot navigated to another site and i loss all my hard works...

really happy to hear and see that you are not angry about the movie issue:D so glad to see you today too..had fun working with you though i had to do the mopping and washing of the toilet.haha,don't mind it at all cause i can tell that you are quite tired today,partly that's one of the reason i helped to do the mopping and stuffs.

but you won't be around tomorrow,so it'll be me,meng siang and chris only.hope that tomottow won't be too xiong for us since it's a friday night.and it's a good thing that you will not be aaround,if not you will be so tired,and i'll feel tired too.even though i'll want to see you,i'd rather you get some rest.

anyway,quite tired now....tomorrow school till 5pm then going to work.so i better get going...

finally...tomorrow is coming!get to see you again,hope that you will be glad to see me...after 4 days,and i didn't even see you online for even awhile...sigh,nevermind.tomorrow will be the day i hope.really looking forward to see you :D

i'm so feeling crazy today...don't know what's the real reason behide it but maybe it's the haze and smoke making me high.haha...just wana do some stupid things which i have no idea what.but still,i'm in control over here,if not,i guess i'll proberbly have done some really dumb stuff..lol

anyway,just wish that thursday comes sooner,then i can go to work!yayness...not working for like 3 days feel so weird now...ever since i started school yesterday.just want to go down to the cafe maybe tomorrow again,but i'll have to see how.cause it'll be too tiring for me to go down everyday...maybe i'll go down every tuesday if possible ba.

tomorrow will be having alot of practical and tutorial,from 10am till 5pm...but i hope will end earlier cause its the first lesson for some of the practicals.looking forward to new experiments and stuffs coming out.though today's practical was abit boring...sorry to say,due to next tuesday being a public holiday,we have to start our lad today.so it was kind of relaxing kind and not those stressful pressuring experiments which could go wrong at any possible given moments.

gona dota for now

hmmm...after listening to what alvin and mag said...i think maybe i was somewhat wrong i guess...shouldn't have ask in the way i asked you..so sorry about it.and i heard about what xiao hei did on sunday,maybe cause i wasn't around.alvin said that xiao hei left work at about 4 or 5,i can't remember the time,and then he went to buy xin ming re bao at about 6 then he saw a shadow inside with you.

a shadow that ducked and hide when he was discovered.then you went out to alvin asking for help.then xiao hei say he wana buy cake,so alvin left and went back to the cafe. then later you came by to say that xiao hei didn't even buy cake at all.if only i went down on sunday,then maybe he wouldn't have went to find you..

this really made me feel bad about the other day...so i just wana say sorry to you in person.maybe on thursday,if i get to see you.

anyway,went for the drama practice today.though our stage is not really ready,we were able to pull it off for the run through twice,once sence by sence,and the other a "smooth flow" with lots of NGs and laughters.had alot of fun there but overall,i'd say that the whole team did a great job considering it's the first "full" rehearsal that we had andmore coming along.

quite tired now since i woke up at 6 for school in the morning...gona go sleep soon after my hair's all dried.

today is a much better day compared to the past 2 days.the past two days had been shity days while today was so much more joy.had the whole day to myself rather than working for the first time in like many weeks,so it was really a nice good break for me.

and the cafe didn't call me at all,to go down or what ever,so i'm really relieved to be able to go through the day without thinking so much about the cafe and her...though i'm still somewhat shaken from her reply...i just it's just life.so let's just brush it aside.

tomorrow is the day where i shall return to school,for yet another semester before another long break.so i will be working less these few coming months,but at least 3 days a week that's for sure,2 nights and one day.so that at least i'll have some stable income to sustain the output of money that flows out so easily from my pockets.

and i still have to cope with the publicity and drama that will be coming up soon,which will land me with alot of things to settle till end of the year.so it's most likely that i will have lesser time for BGR stuffs which will at least give me some break from the emotional stress that is really crumbling my life...hope that i can be a free bird again..

anyway,all that really matters now is my studies,work and to manage my time for the drama and publicity..also not to forget spending time with my family which i have not been doing for the past few weeks due to work and stuffs.yup,so for now,at least i will be able to concentrade on more important things in my life that are pilling up without me noticing for quite some time.like reorganizing my time to fit in for school and stuff.

about 4 more hours till it's officially school semester again,so i'm gona go enjoy my last few hours of holidays left...chao ppl

i'm so tired...physically,mentally,and emotionally drained...was totally thrown off by your reply...hurting inside...i'm gona give up soon...being nice to you and showing my concern seems to have all gone down the drain...and now,the shield just went up like 5 levels?so it's practically almost impossible for me to get close to you again i guess...

nevertheless,i hope that the friendship between us is still ok...though i doubt it...sigh...everything is just going the wrong way...and maybe it's like what esther said during cell,that only when we are prepared for it,then God will give us our wish...so maybe i'm just not ready for it...and i really thank my lil sis too,for pursuding me not to take up smoking which i wanted to last night...was feeling so low and stuff...good thing i messaged her before i do anything which i might regret...

even though i know that somewhere down the road,during one of the bends and turns,i will eventually take up smoking..at least i made a promise to someone close,that i will not take up smoking at least not in the near future.and i do not want my lil sis to be sad if i take up smoking,so really thank God for my lil sis.

i waited...but there was no reply from you...are you really keeping your distance from me?it seems so that way,so maybe you already knew my feelings for you?i have no idea...everytime i take a step forward,your imediate reaction will push me two steps backwards...

but i really want to know you better...yet there always is a big shield protecting you from me i guess...and i can't really break through it...sigh...will you ever give me a chance?a chance to prove myself to you...that i really want you in my life...i want the path ahead to be for the two of us...not just me alone...i just wish you know how i really feel now...

hmmm...i know i really like her...but,how should i go about telling her?or even just to let her know about it...everytime i see her,i just want to tell her that i like her..but,i never had the courage to...and it seems that she's keeping her distance from me...though we still chat,we never really got into a serious chat before..

so now,i just hope that i can get to know her better and maybe let her know how i feel towards her..so that at least even if she's not ready,we can still be friends,and that she will know why i'm more concern over her.and i'll feel more at ease,cause it's really diffcuit to be keeping my feelings deep inside all the time when i see her practically everyday these few weeks.

and once i start school next week,i'll have less time down at the cafe and i won't get to see her more often as of now.so i better catch hold of the time i have left before i lose the chance to let her know...sigh...i'm quite tired...to be holding on to my feelings for so long...ahhh....and my eyes are almost shut...zzz....so i'm going to reteat into my room to sleep...

hmm...i'm still confused over how i feel...though i really want to give it all and see how things go.exchanged shorts messages over the net just now but i still can't really see deep into the messages that we exchanged...maybe i still need more time to think it through,or even to just observe the situation i'm in right now...

putting that aside,i finally took heart and went with my guts this time,to get contacts!yay...now my glasses won't be all that oily and stuff after work :D and i can forget about always needing to wipe my glasses everytime i sweat it out.lol.but i still need some getting used to,cause it's been 2 years since i last wore contacts.anyway,i bought 2 boxes of it for both eyes-right 425 and left 350- which will last me for half a year or till my eyes are irritated i guess.today,it was ok.but kind of dry...cause i'm infront of the laptop most of the time with the fan blowing directly at my face.so it drys my eyes easily.

will be working these few days all the way through till saturday leaving me sunday as my last day of holidays before school reopens on the coming monday.hope that these few days will be fruitful in both working ways and how things will go for the two of us i guess,whether the path will be narrow for just me alone,or it will widen up for one more person in my life. lets wait and see

played pool with 2 of my best buddies today,met one of them coincidentally while i was on my way to get sushi at northpoint.david invited me to join them cause we had not met for quite a few months already. and since i was free,i went down to play.we played for about 2 1/2 hours at safra which cost us $23.50.

after which i went down to the cafe again,brought bouble tea down then chilled there till about 8:30pm before coming back.sadly,the customers flooded in at about 8 to 8:15 while chis was cooking,so had to leave before dinner was served.but nevertheless,i'll be working tml so i will be able to eat some good stuff tml.chili kang kong and some other stuffs that chris may be getting before going to work.and the best part is he's going to do the cooking.wahaha.bu qui shi wo de brother!

working full day actually seems fun...from 11am till 12am that is. though i'm really stinked up due to running all over the place and helping out here and there.had prata in the morning,then work till late at night before chris rode chang da's bicycle down to get chong pang nasi lemak.and boy did he ride like siao...went up 2 slopes and then he called the cafe to complain that he's dying...quite funny.then he rode all the way back to the cafe after buying dinner.thanks brother!for helping us buy dinner and staying to help abit.

going to zoo with cell cause there's no cell group this week.yet i still wonder why they like to go to the zoo of all places...nothing much to see maybe except for ah meng,and meeting at 10am...omg...that's like so early lor...then must see if got time after zoo then can go down to the cafe...haha...my second home i can say.then sunday after service going to work again,cause short handed at the cafe.then for the whole of next week,i'll be at the cafe working till my last day of holiday,which is the next coming sunday...so wish me luck,erm...health is more important for me..haha.

i don't know...KTV doesn't really click with my style...and it's not really to my liking,though i had fun with the rest-listening to them sing and have fun.while most of the songd that i pick,either i can't reach the pitch,or songs they do not know.and most of the songs they choose i do not listen to...so it's kind of spoil in a way...

nothing that spectacular,but jaslyn and valerie's voices are quite zai.powerful yet high pitch,and they can hit sky high so it's kind of pleasant to the ears while listening to them sing.chang da,on the other hand like to play with music notes and he sings with different tone to the songs.and me?i don't really sing much,or rather,somehow i can't sing with a microphone infront of me...can't really recognize my own voice in the speaker...and i realise i need to have some background voices of the singers before i cant catch the key to the song...

so most of the time i'm trying to adjust to the key and not singing...sadly...maybe i'm just not that comfortable to sing infront of others especially with a mic on...sigh...somehow,i wish that things went the dfferent way...haiz...nevermind,its all over and done with...maybe next time...till then...

and i'm still not sure about how i see things...am i really in control of my feelings?or is it controlling my every thoughts...i'm like having 2 split personality feelings and thoughts in my mind...and i'm going crazy i think....ouch..my ear hurts...hmmm....how can one tell if one is smithened by another or have a liking for another...i'm like stuck in-between both now...and there's no way out for me...again...who can show me the way out?

God can...i know He can...yet i've never look to Him through all these times...i always promise i will look to Him but in reality,i never...again...i can't keep my promise...really feel sucky at times about this...always turn back to Him for help.but never thanking Him for providing...guess i'm really a great BUM who takes everything for granted...I REALLY NEED TO CHANGE MY FREAKING ATTITUDE!!!

my time is almost up...and once it's all burnt up...i guess,everything will be over...though i feel kind of sad about it. maybe there's still hope,if i continue trying and trying. don't wana give up half way though i'm already blown off by everything.sigh...when life throws lemon at you,you can make lemonade,but life throws durian at me,which sticks on with a painful bite. and leaves painful scars behind...so what do i make-durian paste?

oh man...i really wish i know what to do...how to deal with all these emotions and stuffs...how to show i care without being too straight forward...or how to ensure that the other party will be happy with me?these few weeks had been stressful and tiring,from work and all these things,publicity,drama...i'm really tired now...the only good news is fliming is finally done.now only the editing is left so at least 1 job is now somewhat done.but more to come.

and there's work tomorrow,so i'll be down at the cafe again...at least i'm off on wednesday,and we're going party world ktv,i think.have to confirm again...