feeling vry gone and wasted...is thee anything i can do to help it?or rather...help myself?no idea...running away seems to be the best way but the problem will always be there...

fuck...i'm feeling totally shitty again...so many fucking things in my fucking mind once again...and it's all my own bloody fault...the things that i do...the thoughts i'm having...i'm yet again...torn between so many things...to stop or to continue...want to stop but still am continuing...shit...

to move on or to stay put...stuck again between both...i'd rather not choose either at this moment...cause i'll just screw things up once again...fuck man...am already screwing things up...my life is like screwed...

before i even take e step...i've already corroded away what little stepping stone i have to stand on...leaving soft sand with no foundation...stepping on it would means letting myself sink into the quick sand...

not stepping forward...i've let myself to a dead end...one with too many exits leading back to it...like a loop...there's no end to it...and i'll be the one to burn to ashes in the end...sorry to say...staying put or moving on...i'll still burn to the ground...

i need a third option...and that is: leaving behind the past and the forward route...and start digging out a new route...hopefully one where it may lead me to the sunlight...where i can just soak up the sun's ray and marvel at the route which i created myself...though the chance is pretty much slim...

3:45am in the morning...got home not too long ago...tired but my mind's driving at full speed...testing the limit...body is almost totally out...with muscle aching all over...and e draining of energy form within is sucking me dry...

i'm mentally stuck...physically stuck and emotionally stuck...i'm such a let down the people who care...even to myself...i've disappointed people whom meant alot to me...i should do something abt it...before i lose all the little things i hold precious in my eyes...part of which are already slowly slipping away from my sight...i need to get my life back where i started...

i want everything back in its place...just like before...when things are ok and i still have my smile with me...sigh...now i've lost the true meaning of being happy...its like i'm being happy just for the sake of being happy...not like before when i truly felt happiness...

i wish i've never had to make that decision...that one decision which changed my life 180 degree around...maybe if time can turn back i'll stop myself from making that decision...maybe...

but what has to be will be...what is meant to be yours will be...time...it's such a long definition...a word so simple yet so complicated...only time will tell...sigh...

confused...clogged up...jammed...whirlpool...what more can i use to describe my feeling now?

things are really getting more confusing by the days...i'm starting to wonder if i even know what i want or not...it seems like i'm just going with the flow but it doesnt really feel that way...been having so much mix feelings lately...i don't know what to do...

don't know what else to say but i'm gona be wasted if i don't do something about it...only thing is i don't know what to do...who i'll end up hurting...or maybe i myself will be the one who end up hurting...i don't know and i don't wana know...don't even wana think about it...

wana know who you are...wana know how you feel...i wana know everything...

the mind is moving but not the body...

the heart is kinda stuck between gear 1 and the brake...i'm not sure what to do now...especially when things are getting more complicated now...i cant seem to see the path infront of me...i feel so trap...i want to move on...but the heart matters are just too hard to let go...somehow still cant do it...

have this feeling that i'm starting to fall for somebody again...but i cant really allow myself to do that...cause i'm not mentally prepared yet...still feeling attached to cole in someways...but the feelings getting stronger these few days...like i'm starting to do things with tell-tale signs...which will only make the other party awkward...

i know that i'm not ready to fall in love now...cause even if i do...its still a one sided love affair...which seemed to have been the same cases in the past few experiences i've had...hopefully i can shake myself out of it and focus on what's important right now...

though in my life right now...there's nothing much important to focus on...not to me at least...maybe because i've nothing to focus on...thats why everything's so chaotic now...i guess i've fcuked up my life in some ways...and the effects of it are showing now...

if the time is ripe..i'll move on...but not now at least...not when things are still unstable...unless moving on helps to stable things down...then i'll move on...i guess...

past week had been busy..night shifts + late night suppers + late night gamings...monstrasity..lol

things with cole are ok i guess...wont say there's any forward movements or backward movements...currently its still water i guess...though i still do stupid things and stuffs...its kinda of like how i used to disturb her...but yea..still friends so i guess can be said that things are somewhat good...tho i'm not very sure yet..

had alot of fun at work lately...probably due to the excess lot of time that i have now..cafe is like my second family and home now...shifted many times..as my life changes..now come to think of it..cole's place has become a distance area where i dont venture into anymore...

probably due to me not wanting to feel awkward when i'm at her place and mainly not wanting her to get anymore scoldings from her mom by having me around in the way...hopefully i can still hang out at her place sometime...though i doubt its possible...with her mom being particular about where our status stands...i guess there's not much i can do about it too anyway..

its like even if i go over...there's actually nothing much to do except watch television, rot inside her room playing my psp and smelling max's poop...or just rot there in her place...cos what ever i want to do...i need permission and stuff...unlike my place..where i have excess to internet for maple and there's no one around to bug me about things..

and i guess for cole, my place is like somewhere where's she has freedom to use the net, listen to music, and eat ice pops..like a holiday inn for one day..then when you're bored just get out of the house cross over to safra for a walk..i don't mind tho..lol..

anyway...had cole coming over this two days from late morning till afternoon to maple..and both days she over slept...as usual...lol...then sent her home before going to work myself..and tomorrow working full shift...gona be like tired out man...and thursday i need to get down to some warehouse to settle my warranty for my desktop...if not i'll lose out the 3 year warranty...sian...

i better get some sleep soon...my panda eyes are catching up with me again...zzz...

just got home from supper with colleagues about 1 hour ago...went to prata house for prata! had mushroom cheese and bomb prata..lol...freaking expensive tho..oh well...tried to maple but the freaking internet is still giving problems...think too much people using the freaking star hub broadband now...bleah...

anyway cole's first year in ite officially ended today with her last paper..and i guess to her...its lika heaven cause for 1 month she doesn't have to worry about school unless she fail her exams..hopefully not..and i'm still thinking if i did the right thing...

cause after sending her home...i took off my ring from the stainless steel bead chain and put it onto her necklace with her ring...the one where we got at couple's lab...i don't know how or what she felt at that moment...but i think somehow she got what i was trying to tell her i guess...not too sure of it tho...

cause i know that if i continue to wear the ring...somehow i'm gona still be attached to her in some ways and i don't that to happen...cause i think right now she's setting her priorities right too...and i don't want her to think that she's making me stuck...so i guess it's the best for the both of us...

giving her the ring kinda symbolize to me that we are just friends now so that i will be reminded not to cross the boarder...still struggling with it in someways...so yea...hopefully without the ring in my procession i can remind myself we are just friends now...no longer together...

not that i mean to be harsh or something but it's just what i feel about where we stand now...cause to me...it's like the feeling's not the same anymore...and it's making me see a future without cole by my side...now i don't know how she feels but that's how i feel...she may still be in my future...but not someone who will be by my side when i need them to be...

not much i can say about it or do anything about it...or even try to change anything...cause i don't think there's anything i can do to change it...so i guess i'll just leave it as that...unless she's the one who starts picking things up and piecing them back into one...maybe if that happen we might be in each other's future side by side...

anyway...can't chiong maple tml cause there's server check and i'm freaking tired...gona go to bed soon provided i don't puke...supper's still battling my tummy till now...maybe i'll go down to the cafe tml afternoon to slack...see how ba i guess..now don't really wana go out but i've got nothing to do at home anyway...

lol i better get my sleep...tired out from everything...

i guess i'm finally waking up...from all the wake up calls people have been throwing at me the past few weeks...i guess...it's really time to wake up from my dream land and look at reality...and so i'm taking my first step today...

took the step to clear up my confusion about cole's actions the past few weeks with her...about whether she's doing all for the sake of just doing or there's feelings in them...and i got my answer straight and clear...so i guess i shall leave it as that..

and i guess it's also the best for me...i won't say it's best for her but it just has to be...if not...at the end of the day i'm the one who suffers the most...and i guess it's like all these while i've been complying to her needs and stuff...even tho people may think that i'm the one who needed her more...

true...in the beginning i did need more...but the past few day's kinda been slapping me hard in the face and i guess i kinda felt that i don't really want these things now...even though i still comply to them...i don't want to pull out too fast that her support just disappear in the blink of an eye...

i guess i'm slowly letting things go and i feel that she can see it in someways...especially if you are reading it now..."nicole, just wana say thank you for being there for me all these while...and that i enjoyed the time spent with you even when we're not doing anything but just in each other's company..thank you nicole for the 4 months together..."

"don't worry about me too much...i won't do anything silly..and please take care of your own well being when i'm not around...don't do things without thinking first and remember i'm always a call away...even if you can't get to me..you know where to find me if you need me, i'm hoping that someday, you'll find someone who can look after you well and lead a happy life from there on...for now i just pray that you can take care of yourself and be strong..

P.S. i will always love you"

ok...sorry for the grandfather speech...yea...this week is gona be super tiring for me i guess..especially since i don't have enough sleep and still have alot of things to do...work, then have to go back to school once more...and maple story..lol..

i guess i'm somewhat preparing myself to move on from where i got stuck...it's not much of any movement yet but i'm moving on slowly...i don't know what cole will think or how she might react when she read this post but yea...

i guess it's time to move on with life in some way...i feel that i'm slowly fading away in some way too...like my presence doesn't really matter anymore...which kinda makes me feel in between comforted and stuck...comforted such that at least i know that my presence doesn't affect people anymore and stuck such that i dono whether its a good thing or not..

to me...i jsut want to live life my style now and not care about what others may think or react...and i don't want anymore 2 cent's worth to influence my thinking or what i should be or not doing...it's my life...get that fact right people...sorry if i offended anyone but yea..

"cole...if you do get to read this post...let me know how you feel kay? don't keep me in suspend or just brush this post off...cause i know that this post definitely has some form of effect to you..you might not say it out but i can tell...so even if you don't tell me u noe that i'll be able to figure it out too..so do let me noe about your feelings..

i don't wana bombard you with so many things especially when your exam is right around the corner like this week...let me noe you're ok..if you need to talk about this issue let me noe too..just drop me a msg..good bye nicole..."

gona go shower then grab a bite hungry and sleepy too...ciao people...who ever does read my post...

started the day not too well with cole...had a cold war from her her till dental there...after which things became better..went with cole for blood donation after her dental..in the end i managed to donate my first time but she didnt get to do her routine donation once again..lol..

2 weeks before, after her dental went down to accompany her at the blood donation then her iron level too low to donate...then today...after the blood test, she was quite confident that her iron level is enough till the nurse said that she needed to double check..then turn out that her iron reading was 12.4 and the requirement was 12.5...lol...so once again she didnt make it for her donation..

today was kinda happening at the blood bank there...there were some student tours going on then alot of secondary 1 students around..kinda interesting..lol...then see one of the student nearly fainted because couldnt stand the sight of so much blood..lol..

then another secondary school girl fainted after her blood donation...kinda sad for her..cause somemore her dad was the one who brought her to the blood bank then only she donated blood...and at the cafe where we redeem our food she collapsed ten see the people rushing for doctors and bringing out stretchers to bring her in for observation..

after donation went back home for dinner...cole came back with me...after dinner was kinda shaged out so i slept from 7:30 till 9:40 while cole played maple beside my bed..cole woke me up when it was time to go then sent her home..after that went home then felt hungry on hte way so went to 7-11 to grab some cup noodles..cooked the chili crab one then my mom wanted so open the other pack-mushroom and chicken for her..haha..then now waiting for my tummy to digest abit before i go to bed..

working full shift tomorrow...so i guess i'll be kinda shagged out after work...sunday going for service with cole then after that going out before reporting for work at night...past week have been kinda busy...only day off was today,in which i spent it with cole :) tomorrow hopefully my right arm will be better...cause cant carry heavy stuff till at least tomorrow...less the needle wound opens then get alot of bruising...

wow...the whole day typed out in such a short post..lol...anyway...gona rest my arm now before i go to bed..ciao people..

good night baby cole..

P.S. I Love My Sprawlie :)