fuck...why do i always have to make things go bad?its like we are on better terms now then i keep fucking things up...fuck la...now i'm making her have second thoughts again...why do i keep screwing things up????????shit la....all those fucking two cents worth that people keep adding in...fuck them la...

then i keep bringing up those fucking things people say to cole...then i make her feel even more unsecured about our friendship now...fuck...and the fact that she doesn't want me to take sprawlie too seriously make me think that to her...its just her way of entertaining me...fuck...now i dont even know if i want to continue anymore...fuck fuck fuck....

can someone just stick a fucking knife into my fucking head?at least i know i'll feel better...shit la...all those thoughts just keep flooding into my fucking brain now...the more i dont want to think about them..the more they force their way in...i feel so fucked up...

its like i'm the one who keep making our friendship crumble...like when cole's thoughts have settled abit...like we're cool and stuff...then i keep making her think more and more and more till she feels different about our friendship again...what am i supposed to do?she say i should stop before more damages is done...but how?

i cant stop all those two cents worth from coming in...fuck...i'm like a fucking drug addict who cant stop taking his drug or letting go of it...like every time something happens i go back to withdrawal and then going back to taking the drug again...its like a vicious cycle...and eventually...after everything...i'll be the one and only one who gets hurt in the end...

to cole...i'm like ranting out to her but her words also kinda cut deep in...like we're going back to square one...to her its like i'm basically just spoiling all her hope for the friendship...to me..i'm like a fucking asshole who cant let go...and fucking move on...i'm sorry i have to rant out again but i need somewhere where people don fucking judge me to rant out to..cause this is my blog...so if u don like it then fuck off and stop bothering me..ty...

urgh...its almost 1am...fuck...and my brain's almost all blown out from thinking too much about things which might not even happen in the future...and i let my fucking good imaginations run fucking wild...till i hurt cole in someway i guess...especially when she apologize for things which i imagine...

I"M SORRY BABY COLE...I'M SORRY...

fucked up evening at work today...totally fucked up customers...so what if you're from some rich club?so what if you're regular customer?if u're really regular then you should know better than to fuck us around like some body's bitch or something...sometimes i just don't understand why rich people can be so fucked up at times...like so what if u are rich?if ur attitude sucks like some fucking shit then whats the point?people will still hate you for life...

anyway...all i can say is tonight wasn't a good night for me...and the worse is my boss keep forcing me to work on saturday and sunday...its like fuck man...even though i can work more...it doesn't mean i must free up my own personal time right?like when i want to spend time with close friends and stuff...my boss keep making me work on sunday night and full shit on saturday...shit...

then the things is give me firday off still keep calling me to work...wtf la...the rest got program on sunday i don't have is it?fuck la...if they cant give up their own program to work...why must i always give up mine just so they can be free to have their own program?it doesn't make sense to me...and its like always when i dont wan to work...cause i'm planing for something on that day that they always call me to work whether i like it or not...everytime its like really got no people le...then when i check then i realise fuck la...all those who cant work is because they are going out on dates or something...its just unfair if u ask me...

heck...don wana talk abt it now...this post is just to vent my frustration for tonight...let me release everything out...i'll feel better...and cole is like my drug now...and i'm addicted to the drug...every time i need someone to talk to...i'll call her...its become a habit...cause i guess she's e only one who noes me better than others...and like what people say...when you take drug, the effect of the drug shows on ur body...like when cole is happy i'll feel happy and when cole is sad i'll feel sad...

hopefully cole will be able to come over tomorrow after school...not confirm yet but yea...just wish for her company now...i miss the love and care from her i guess...cant wait for friday to come too...gona company cole to the dental again for her appointment..then if theres time will go for blood donation together...my promise to her..if not then head back home for dinner...maybe spraw again..and nua...see how i guess...probably if she comes over tomorrow will just nua till its time to go to work then send her back before hand..

if possible will send her to school on tuesday,,,i realised i haven done that at all when we're together...so kinda want to send her to school..then maybe go slack somewhere while waiting for her to end school then go over to her place before heading down to work...its like i'm spend so much time with her even up till now but yea...spending time with cole has become part of my daily life i guess...and its hard to change one's life in a split second or over night...it's gona tkae a long time...

hopefully before i enlist...i'll be able to control my feelings from showing too much...then i'll be able to let go fully...its hard though...i feel like i'm on life support...and cole's the plug...like if you pull out the plug...the patient will die and stuff...its how i kinda still am feeling now...like if you pull cole out from my life totally...i'll just crumble and fall...i dont think she'll want me to crumble too...but she's already letting go...so i guess i'll have to learn to live without the life support machine...

fuck...so many mosquitoes around...irritating...biting me all over the freaking place...urgh...damn it...i better start moving around before they suck me dry...

just got home not too long ago..had a date with cole today :) went to watch P.S I Love You :D such a nice movie to watch...another must watch movie hehe :)

went over to fetch cole from her place to mine...then we sprawed and nua till almost 6 then went down to yishun gv to catch the movie..bought the tics after fetching her from home..had a quick bite at macs before the movie and we still managed to finish the whole box of pop corn..haha...after the movie slacked while having hot fudge sundae.

mac was too pack with yj students so we sat outside northpoint..bleah...then cole got bitten on the lips by an ant..haha...that was funny..lol..anyway slacked till almost 10pm then we went to the interchange to bus home...there was this group of dono what cao punkers who board the bus too..

they were blasting raps and rapping along...not too sure what language but it sure sound like bangala to us..haha..anyway...it doesnt matter...cos they are just full of shits..lol...i almost knocked out in the bus...was too tired out my heart was pumping super weakly and slowly...mostly to my brains...maybe thats why my body was feeling kinda weak we had to sit down outside northpoint..

after resting felt much better...but had to cab home...cos not fully ok...now feeling much better i guess..but better get my rest soon...yea...waiting to call cole before sleeping...eating ice pop now too haha..though i've decided to let cole go for now,i guess there's still part of me that wants her back...

hopefully after my services for the country we can get back together..i wish for that to happen...maybe by then she'll be able to settle down and we can pick up from where we left things...just maybe..yea..gona get me another ice pop now while waiting for the msg...so byebye...

just got home...spent almost the entire day being moody and trying to restraint myself from the urge of calling or msging cole...in the end i still did...i guess its really part of my daily life...a habit i'd say...its not something u can change over night...it might take some time but eventually i shld be able to control myself more i hope...

anyway...we've come to the term of being friends and "ka-ki" when we need each other..lol...something like majong ka-ki kind of thing..lol, cept that ours is just to clown around and make fun of people we see on the streets..haha...for us its fun to do so..lol...anyway...been thinking alot today...like much more than the past few dayes when i'm still in denial...i'm so fucked up the past few days i was clouded by my thoughts...

anyway...now we're clear about where we stand and stuff so i guess for now, the ocean wave is calm..

been talking to bandana...and i guess its best i let go before its too late...so i guess...i'm gona let go...but it'll take some time for me to slowly get go fully...no point continuing like this...thats what he told me...and i guess...its true in some ways...

i don't wana live in denial anymore...especially since you've made it clear...so i guess its time i let go of you...

things are going unstable again...i dono what the heck is wrong with us or people around us...firstly...what we want to do is our own problem but no,people around us just kept trying to make us do things that we don wana....and fuck...what they want us to do is the thigns they wan to see us do...its like we have no rights at all...

secondly...i seriously dono what to do about us now...like what i mentioned...if i compromise and let her go...i'll still be watching her from afar...but she will never know...cause i'll disappear from her life by then...and when i see her get together with another guy,she lead a much happier life...but i'l probably crash and burn...

if she compromise, and go back with me...i'll get happier to have her back in my arms but then...she'll be so miserable on the inside and she'll crash and burn...then probably i'll do to...then everything is gone...

third option is we both compromise and she wants to go back with me but i want to let her go..then we start fighting over it again and everything starts all over again from square one...its like we're really stuck in this sticky situation now...and we cant do anything about it...fuck la...

was talking to cole just now...and apparently, her mom doesnt want her to act as we we are so close since we broke up...and seems that she doesnt really like me to go over so often now...though if i do that...then later on she'll be asking cole why i never go anymore and stuff...

and its like she doesnt say it infront of me but after i leave...and cole gets it from her...i dono...its like i kinda feel that things arent going so well anymore...then when we're no longer friends then people will start asking why cant we still be friends...then when we become close again then people starts to disagree with us being close...so what do they want from us?

move on and get on with our lifes?they're really making us stuck too...though i noe i'm the one who kinda make cole still stuck...then again...when i fully let go...i'll disappear from her life...then she doesnt want that to happen...but see ah...if i ever moved on...and found myself another girl to be with...then at that time cole's still alone...i'll probably spent most of my time with my girl...

then when cole needs my comapny and im with my girl...i cant like leave my girl and go to cole right?then it'll go back to the same old shit again where i say i'll be there for u and stuff...then after awhile its like i cant keep the promise anymore...then if i ever stay single and she found someone else...when i need her the same thing will happen...then what now i'll ask...

what the fuck are we supposed to do then?for us to truely move on...its only one single path i can see...which is not an easy path to take...cause either one of us will have to sacrifice ourself for the best of the other person...and in the end, we'll stop talking to each other eventually...which is what cole doesnt want...as in she doesnt want us to become those kinda of friends who goes hi and bye...thats it...that like of thing...

and the fact that she prefers A.M kinda made me feel more inferior to them...like what the fuck is so good about them that they must be of higher class than us the chinese?right now i'm kinda feeling super fucked up with A.M cause its like so what if they are white?does it mean they are of better background than chinese?no...their background are actually so much more fucked up than ours...i dono how bad but i dont give a fuck abt them...

and i dont blame her for preferring A.M cause of her background...but still...i'm not really satisfied with her reason...and i dont like the fact that there are people out there whose trying to stop us from doing what we're doing now...like how our relationship should og and stuff...even tho i noe cole doesnt want to be with me anymore...it kinda hurts me more than any other things...if i truely let go...will we still be friends at all? i doubt so now...

i'll probably get into relationships just to play with the girls and hurt their feelings cause i guess i'll never want to be hurt by them anymore...not in anyway...i dont blame cole for breaking with me...but i dont want to get hurt anymore...maybe i should just shut off my emotion system and turn into a jerk with no feelings...maybe i'll feel better in a way or so...but i'll hurt cole in the process...cause i noe if i lose my emotions or feelings...i'll just go around doing things that hurt people without ever feeling the guilt..

at the end of the day...will i be happy?will my life have any meaning in it? i dono...its like there's no point in my life anymore...if i really give up hope now...she's be able to move on at least...if i pick myself up and shut off from her...she'll continue dragging herself but not picking up from where she falls...fuck...i dono what to do...i'm stuck physically, mentally and emotionally...

and my brain's gona pop out soon...once again...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...i need to do brain vomit...i need advice...i dono wat to do anymore...if i stay on, she'll disappear...if she stay on, i'll disappear...i guess...things will only settle down when one of us disappears...for now i just want things to stay where they are...since i cant see far into the future anymore...

i'm living day by day and figuring out the next day as it comes...for me now...i guess my faith has change alot...so much so that now seeing is believing...and i can't believe what i've not seen anymore...not like before when i was able to have faith even before i see things happening...i dono...i feel so fucked up again...

once again...things seems to be better than the last few days...and i guess right now we're both just living each day by day...cant tell what's going to happen tomorrow or in the near future...so we'll live through each day first and see how things goes i guess..

kinda felt vry happy when i saw you today.i guess like what you said,i still haven really let go...but somehow i've already let you go in a way...and i see that you're more happy than the past few days..and we're still good friends,or rather closer than good friends :) so i quite glad too..that you're able to be lively again :)

at least i noe that in your heart i still stand tall, and in my heart,or rather part of what's left,you stand tall too :) though there are probably people who's bitching about us and stuff...and nagging at u and me...we both noe who i'm talking about so no names shall be posted out.lol..over all had fun talking craps and rubbish with you today..

making you laugh is like my everyday necessity haha...to make your day and stuff..since you've already made my day last night with your S.V. good night msg :) i feel much more secured in ur heart now :) i hope u do too..and we can both just do silly things together haha...lol...kidding...fun things i mean...like movies, outings, dates...haha... :P

then again...ns is the killer which i hope will not break us apart...and tear us up into little shreds lol...its gona be tough but i hope that we both will be able to keep holding on and make it tru after all..since i have you and you have me yea? i do hope we can pull tru together during my 2 yrs of ns ans not just that but many years to come too :) hehe..handing hands and walking the path of life together till we aged and pass on..

i'd like for that to happen..lol...i really feel like a ah pei...cos thers so much to talk about but yea...somethings are still best said to you face to face but u also noe how i feel and stuff so i'll leave it for you..lol..i'm kinda surprise my post has no fuck or other rubbish around...lol...seems like venting it out on blog does help me keep my cool..

cause i don wan to be screaming out all this rubbish to no one in particularor rather worse still,to people whom i love and care about...i guess typing them out is the most peaceful and quiet way of releasing the steam...at least when they read it..they'll noe how i feel and stuff...but they wont see me screaming my butt of with all these rubbish...its not vry healthy to keep using these rubbish you noe...makes a habit out of it and gg...

but yea...nvm...i'm going to sleep now...kinda tired out from work and stuff...even tho i enjoyed ur presence at the cafe today :) felt like the old days when you drop by to use my laptop while i'm working :) to see you look up at me and smile so ever sweetly for me :) i'm glad u had fun today and that u are able to pull urself together much sooner than i expected..as in we are still able to talk about everything under the sun.

yea...i better go...its almost 2 in the morning.,..still need to go to school to hand in stuff then go to work and finally spend the evening at your home sweet home :) looking forward to dinner at ur place baby nicole :)

after one night's sleep...i guess i'm feeling much better...though my fucking brain's still kinda clogged up...i guess the only thing i can do is to just get on with my fucking life...a life which i don't think is really worth living for anyway...unless i can find comfort in something here on earth...or someone else...but i don't think i'll ever be able to find someone like you...someone that i will give my heart to...ever again...

my defensive wall has been set up after last night i guess...don't think i will fucking open up much to people anymore...it's gona be hard...and i guess i do know now how you feel...how you don want to open up to fuckers who kept asking you stuffs...maybe i'm just one of them to you right now...and i am in no position to question your actions anyway...

i'll just let you do whatever fuck you want from now on...cause there's nothing i can do for you anyway...not a single fuck...but when you need me, and if i can, i'll put down what ever i'm doing to be there for you...that's the most i can do for you...for now...till you find someone who's capable of looking after you...then only i'll be able to leave you in their hands..

for now i'll just sit there and listen...absorb like a sponge...maybe one day...i'll blow up..but it doesn't matter anymore...i'm happy just to be your sponge...to listen to you rant everything out to me...and maybe for me to add in my two cent's worth into your life...maybe years later...when you've finally sort out your thoughts...we can go together again..who knows?only one person will know...

maybe its just his way to show me that the earthly things will never be forever?i don't know...and frankly speaking...i don't really give a fuck about it...not now at least...sorry if i offend anyone but yea...that's how i feel right now...let things be for now.don't bother to topple the scale and make things worse...for now you will be my friend...

close friend? i don't think that's what you want...good friend? maybe...but i don't know...friend? yea...thats what i feel now...and that's what i think you want now...so cool..we're friends...nothing more nothing less..

till you sort out everything single things you want in life...i wont ask to be closer than what you want...cause in the end you'll just do if for my sake...to entertain me...and it's not something i want...since it won't be coming our from our heart...then don't bother..enough said...

hows things are gona go from now...i'll let the wind blow...where ever the wind goes...i'll flow with the wind...let nature take it's course u'd say?maybe...i don't know...i'll just sit back and enjoy my ride in the wind now...probably people in church will see me less...but i don't care, to say the truth...probably i'll be working more these few months just to get my fucking screwed head off from thinking about stuff..

it's kinda good remedy...to work my ass off and earn some money to last me through NS and extra expenses...anyway...enough talk..gona go slack..maybe go home?yea...i guess so...go home and rest..

everything in the past...everything we did together...its all bullshit...all fucked up bullshit...bullshit that u just want to throw into the bin and never look at it again...totally fucked up shits...

we are through...so through u can look into my heart and see the big fucking hole that had been dug out...so big and deep u cant see a shit that's left inside...maybe lots of shits inside..but not my heart anymore...its all gone...and i don't fucking care about anything anymore...not even if u ask me to stop using this word...i'll just shout at ur fucking face to FUCK OFF!

everything that i believe in...every single things that i treasure....its all just pure fuck to someone...since that's the case...then i don give a fuck anymore...i'll just throw everything i used to believe in down the fucking drain and let all the dirty water flush them away...since they're like dirt to someone...let it be then..i don care...

right now i just want to fucking blow up my fucking head and take a look wats inside...see if theres any need to dig out the clogged up shits inside...wash everything down the drain...flush out all the shit thats inside...thats what someone wants anyway...me to fucking move on with my fucking life....so that someone can move on and forget about me...

i do care but fuck it...it doesnt matter anymore...nothing in this world matters to me anymore...shall just let it be...

spent valentine's day with cole yesterday :) went to watch ah long pte ltd :) such a hilarious movie :) recomandable for a good laugh..went to cole's place before hand to wait for her.got her flowers too :) after that slack till almost 5:40pm then we were rushing like mad to catch the 6:20pm movie...lol

in the end when we got to the GV,the queue was likda long so we decided to get the 6:55pm tickets instead...cause by the time we reach GV it was already like 6:20pm and we don't want to miss the beginning of the movie..lol,went to macs to chill out before the movie..

after watch the movie went for dinner with cole at pasta mania at J8,we shared a 10 inch Hawaiian pizza cause we were both full from the pop corn and coke..haha,ate till almost 10:30pm...cole still eats slowly :) and i kinda enjoy watching her eat..lol..

after dinner walked cole home from J8 then went home :)over all had a great day spent with cole :)

had another chat with cole today...decided to draw our boundaries as to where we stand...how things are going on between us and stuff...we've come to a decision to remain as best friends till further notice...

i guess its time i wake up from the dream i've been living in the past two nights into the truth...that we are officially broken up...though i'm still hurting...all i want is for cole to be happy and to live her life happily...i'll continue to hold on to this friendship between both of us.

though i'm still harboring hopes that we might one day get back together...for now...i guess its just my dream...the one same dream that i will dream of every single night when i go to bed...to see us back together like before...its painful to let go...but i guess i have to learn to deal with the pain...

the only comfort i have now is looking forward to still being able to go over to her place and have her come over to spend time together...though not as couple but as best friends...and i know she does too...and that i can still see her every now and then...maybe not as much as i used to when we're together...but yea..

will still be doing things together like we used to...sitting together during meals,sharing and maybe feeding each other...as long as she's happy i guess i'm willing to do all i can to help her up her feet again...

currently waiting for her message so that i can call her to chat for a while...need to get my much needed sleep though...haven been sleeping well the past two nights...though i know that i still might have problems sleeping tonight...hopefully i'll be able to get some rest from it anyway...

gona be having a long day tml...gota go to school to check out whether i'm selected for second presentation and to help out with some decorations...then working at night too...bleah...though i'm not really ready for work...couldn't find other people to cover...so i guess there's no choice...oh well...i'm getting paid for it anyway..

gona get some rest while i wait for cole to msg me once she's done with her bath...chao...

decided to change my skin once more...hopefully i'll feel better these few days to come...

final presentation is finally over..kinda lucky to be picked as the third group from like at least 15 to 20 groups..so now can relax till everything is over...though i still have to be in the presentation room till every single project group have completed their presentation...oh well...one thing less on my mind now..

other than that...i guess these few days aren't gona be easy for me...doing whatever i can to maintain myself but i think sooner or later if i don't get help i might lose my senses...will have to see how...for now i guess...i'll just leave it as that...

once again...the path that i'm left with is narrow and dark...like a cellar down the dungeon...cold and wet...a path with no future ahead...

i'm feeling tired...i just want to stop moving forward...and just look back at the paths i took...the long and complicated paths i took...paths where i cant retrace my steps and undo the things i've done...

the burdens i picked up along the ways...the happiness and sadness spread along the paths...the wonderful memories that came along with the feelings...

Cry On My Shoulder

Verse 1:

If the hero never comes to you
If you need someone you're feeling blue
If you're away from love and you're alone
If you call your friends and nobody's home
You can run away but you can't hide
Through a storm and through a lonely night
Then I show you there's a destiny
The best things in life
They're free

Chorus:

But if you wanna cry
Cry on my shoulder
If you need someone who cares for you
If you're feeling sad your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

Verse 2:

If your sky is grey oh let me know
There's a place in heaven where we'll go
If heaven is a million years away
Oh just call me and I make your day
When the nights are getting cold and blue
When the days are getting hard for you
I will always stay here by your side
I promise you I'll never hide

Chorus:

But if you wanna cry
Cry on my shoulder
If you need someone who cares for you
If you're feeling sad your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do
But if you wanna cry
Cry on my shoulder
If you need someone who cares for you
If you're feeling sad your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

What real love can do
What love can do
What real love can do
What love can do
What real love can do
What love can do

silly me fussed over the wrong thing...got hit big time by the cole ocean wave...washed up shore...almost dying...took my surf board and tried to hit the wave again...wrong move...thunder storm arising...rocky ocean i'm on...

cole tidal wave came crushing down the next day and swiped me off my feet...try as i might..just couldn't get back onto the surface...going down as water fills the tank...

then again...cole wave washed me up shore once more...giving the hope of survival...i look up to the bright sunny sun...what a wave i thought...hard and strong headed,yet filled with grace and mercy..

i picked up my surf board once more,ready for the next cole wave...i'll be ready...to face any of its wrath...to be stable on top of the rocky ocean...to marvel at the wonders...of the precious cole tidal wave...