things are going unstable again...i dono what the heck is wrong with us or people around us...firstly...what we want to do is our own problem but no,people around us just kept trying to make us do things that we don wana....and fuck...what they want us to do is the thigns they wan to see us do...its like we have no rights at all...

secondly...i seriously dono what to do about us now...like what i mentioned...if i compromise and let her go...i'll still be watching her from afar...but she will never know...cause i'll disappear from her life by then...and when i see her get together with another guy,she lead a much happier life...but i'l probably crash and burn...

if she compromise, and go back with me...i'll get happier to have her back in my arms but then...she'll be so miserable on the inside and she'll crash and burn...then probably i'll do to...then everything is gone...

third option is we both compromise and she wants to go back with me but i want to let her go..then we start fighting over it again and everything starts all over again from square one...its like we're really stuck in this sticky situation now...and we cant do anything about it...fuck la...

was talking to cole just now...and apparently, her mom doesnt want her to act as we we are so close since we broke up...and seems that she doesnt really like me to go over so often now...though if i do that...then later on she'll be asking cole why i never go anymore and stuff...

and its like she doesnt say it infront of me but after i leave...and cole gets it from her...i dono...its like i kinda feel that things arent going so well anymore...then when we're no longer friends then people will start asking why cant we still be friends...then when we become close again then people starts to disagree with us being close...so what do they want from us?

move on and get on with our lifes?they're really making us stuck too...though i noe i'm the one who kinda make cole still stuck...then again...when i fully let go...i'll disappear from her life...then she doesnt want that to happen...but see ah...if i ever moved on...and found myself another girl to be with...then at that time cole's still alone...i'll probably spent most of my time with my girl...

then when cole needs my comapny and im with my girl...i cant like leave my girl and go to cole right?then it'll go back to the same old shit again where i say i'll be there for u and stuff...then after awhile its like i cant keep the promise anymore...then if i ever stay single and she found someone else...when i need her the same thing will happen...then what now i'll ask...

what the fuck are we supposed to do then?for us to truely move on...its only one single path i can see...which is not an easy path to take...cause either one of us will have to sacrifice ourself for the best of the other person...and in the end, we'll stop talking to each other eventually...which is what cole doesnt want...as in she doesnt want us to become those kinda of friends who goes hi and bye...thats it...that like of thing...

and the fact that she prefers A.M kinda made me feel more inferior to them...like what the fuck is so good about them that they must be of higher class than us the chinese?right now i'm kinda feeling super fucked up with A.M cause its like so what if they are white?does it mean they are of better background than chinese?no...their background are actually so much more fucked up than ours...i dono how bad but i dont give a fuck abt them...

and i dont blame her for preferring A.M cause of her background...but still...i'm not really satisfied with her reason...and i dont like the fact that there are people out there whose trying to stop us from doing what we're doing now...like how our relationship should og and stuff...even tho i noe cole doesnt want to be with me anymore...it kinda hurts me more than any other things...if i truely let go...will we still be friends at all? i doubt so now...

i'll probably get into relationships just to play with the girls and hurt their feelings cause i guess i'll never want to be hurt by them anymore...not in anyway...i dont blame cole for breaking with me...but i dont want to get hurt anymore...maybe i should just shut off my emotion system and turn into a jerk with no feelings...maybe i'll feel better in a way or so...but i'll hurt cole in the process...cause i noe if i lose my emotions or feelings...i'll just go around doing things that hurt people without ever feeling the guilt..

at the end of the day...will i be happy?will my life have any meaning in it? i dono...its like there's no point in my life anymore...if i really give up hope now...she's be able to move on at least...if i pick myself up and shut off from her...she'll continue dragging herself but not picking up from where she falls...fuck...i dono what to do...i'm stuck physically, mentally and emotionally...

and my brain's gona pop out soon...once again...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...i need to do brain vomit...i need advice...i dono wat to do anymore...if i stay on, she'll disappear...if she stay on, i'll disappear...i guess...things will only settle down when one of us disappears...for now i just want things to stay where they are...since i cant see far into the future anymore...

i'm living day by day and figuring out the next day as it comes...for me now...i guess my faith has change alot...so much so that now seeing is believing...and i can't believe what i've not seen anymore...not like before when i was able to have faith even before i see things happening...i dono...i feel so fucked up again...