fuck...why do i always have to make things go bad?its like we are on better terms now then i keep fucking things up...fuck la...now i'm making her have second thoughts again...why do i keep screwing things up????????shit la....all those fucking two cents worth that people keep adding in...fuck them la...

then i keep bringing up those fucking things people say to cole...then i make her feel even more unsecured about our friendship now...fuck...and the fact that she doesn't want me to take sprawlie too seriously make me think that to her...its just her way of entertaining me...fuck...now i dont even know if i want to continue anymore...fuck fuck fuck....

can someone just stick a fucking knife into my fucking head?at least i know i'll feel better...shit la...all those thoughts just keep flooding into my fucking brain now...the more i dont want to think about them..the more they force their way in...i feel so fucked up...

its like i'm the one who keep making our friendship crumble...like when cole's thoughts have settled abit...like we're cool and stuff...then i keep making her think more and more and more till she feels different about our friendship again...what am i supposed to do?she say i should stop before more damages is done...but how?

i cant stop all those two cents worth from coming in...fuck...i'm like a fucking drug addict who cant stop taking his drug or letting go of it...like every time something happens i go back to withdrawal and then going back to taking the drug again...its like a vicious cycle...and eventually...after everything...i'll be the one and only one who gets hurt in the end...

to cole...i'm like ranting out to her but her words also kinda cut deep in...like we're going back to square one...to her its like i'm basically just spoiling all her hope for the friendship...to me..i'm like a fucking asshole who cant let go...and fucking move on...i'm sorry i have to rant out again but i need somewhere where people don fucking judge me to rant out to..cause this is my blog...so if u don like it then fuck off and stop bothering me..ty...

urgh...its almost 1am...fuck...and my brain's almost all blown out from thinking too much about things which might not even happen in the future...and i let my fucking good imaginations run fucking wild...till i hurt cole in someway i guess...especially when she apologize for things which i imagine...

I"M SORRY BABY COLE...I'M SORRY...