Almost One Long Month...and i'm back...not becos my blog is rotting...but i realised i have e need to pen down wats in my mind to release e stress...kina like a drug for me...

yup...so its back to my thoughts and feeling...went over to alpha's place at clementi on fridae nite to camp over and to "prepare" for e BBQ on sat evening...we were like retards,cooking almost a full packet of 5kg rice...nuts rite?meant for fried rice but in e end,cher hao had to bring half of e cooked rice back...lol....BBQ was great.had fun and lotsa great food...tho i over ate...hehe...

anyway,realised tat while i was on my way down to meeting cher hao n clarence...e sad feelings came back...ouch....was feeling quite xiang...haiz...den all was forgotten when we reached alpha's place...cos its x box n ps2 time!afer all e playing n cooking of rice,i kina knocked out...so went to sleep liao...everything was alright when we woke up...till it was almost time for BBQ...couldn't get my thoughts of her...felt quite low n stuff...but somehow i managed to keep it all down...

den finally,BBQ time...when we started e BBQ...it was kina weird...cos every single person was like poking their heads to e pit trying to cook some food...no point me sticking my head over to get barberqued...so i set down on e table...when e BBQ was reaching peak...i kina over ate liao...so i juz sat down at a corner by myself...tat was when all e shitty feelings came back yet again...haunting me...making me feel low as ever...den when i looked around...i realised tat everyone was happily eating and chatting wif each other...either e couples or the cliques...i was e only one keeping silent to myslef...

and to think tat weird thoughts i had before kept coming back...thoughts i had when i was torn between figuring out who i really liked...and i wasn't really happy about those thoughts(not those kina dirty thoughts), cos its actually questioning e commiments i had set for myself to keep...commiments which meant alot to me...so i was like processing those thoughts for almost 30min...in silent...till someone came over to sit beside me...and asked why i wasn't eating...which actually make everything worse...tho i didn't show it out...kept them all inside...

e fact tat i was already feeling quite low and e person who was kina in those thoughts talk to me suddenly really made everything kina worse...tho i tried my best to ensure tat my thoughts n feelings doesn't get in e way...it was quite tough for me...i have to admit to tat...cos after e BBQ,e whole gang went back up to alpha's place to relax before leaving...and i was like spending almost half e time up there staring at e person?oh man...it really suck i would say...to have some feelings for another person when i'm trying to commit my feelings to her...kina pissed wif myself...

haiz...looks like its gona take me alot of time before i can really focus on my thoughts and commitments...sigh...juz wish tat somehow,things are different from e current situation...i should really look away from my problems and focus on Jesus...i noe tat only He can solve my problems...but i juz wont turn to Him...can someone show me e way?maybe a good nite's sleep and a good dream will help...its 2am in e morning now...guess i better rest soon...